Missing my hubby

Currently My Husband is in Ohio visiting his family for 2 more weeks, he's already been gone for 1 week. I guess u could say I'm taking it ok. When we first got married i had a wall, no more like a steel cage up around my heart to try and protect myself from being a mess whenever he got orders to Iraq, cause knowing my luck he would get orders. Well thats were i went wrong. That "cage" is what helped drive us apart or more like it's what made us grow apart. I just couldn't let myself be that vulnerable knowing that he would most likely be torn away from me and thrown into a dangerous place where he may not return from. Once again cause thats just my luck.

Well after we had been apart for a while and I stopped making myself hate him( it was easier for me that way) it all started coming to light and i started realizing the many ways i messed up.

So this time i took down the cage and let myself love him completely. May sound kinda wierd but thats my way of seeing it.

Before i didn't let myself be seen as a vunerable wife who needs her husband. With my background i was stuck on not needing a man... for anything. Not to mention that i thought being married was no different than being boyfriend and girlfriend. Man was i wrong... AGAIN!

But enough of the past now i am head over heels in love with my husband. I love being around him i love staring at him i love the way that he can't look at me wiithout smiling if he's upset with me. I've even come to love the smell of jet fuel since it the way he smells when he gets home from work!

I miss him dearly. And i'm only 1/3 of the way through. I miss him stealing the blankets from me at night . Just knowing he's right there if i need him. When I crawled into bed at night he would wake up and pull me close and start snoring again almost right away. God this sucks.

The Beginning

So I decided that I need a place to go to rant & rave. Pretty much just let it all out. I'm the type of person that hates to bitch / vent to people about my personal problems. I don't like thinking that I may be adding to that persons stress by making them stress about my problems. So this is my solution.

***One thing to keep in mind if u don't like what I write then don't read it***

Now more about me......

My name obviously Is Toni. I'm 25 I have two boys Dom & Dar ages 11 & 6. I'm married to a wonderful man who is in the Air Force ( So yes a lot of my rants will probably be in regards to that even though I knew what i was getting in to).

Now A tid bit on my past......

I had my first son 9 minutes after my 14th b-day. And let me tell u he was a huge blessing. The way I was heading before I became pregnant I would've been addicted to drugs or dead by the age of 16. Yeah I was that bad.
I had my second son at the age of 19 He was my second blessing. Unfortunately it was a horrible relationship with his dad and he helped me wake up and get out of it. Not to mention Dar soon after became Dom's best friend.
Me and my husband were married On May 09, 2006. It was good until we moved into base housing. Many different stresses caused by both of us made it that way. I may get into it more in a later blog. I gave up in 02/07 I moved out, & made him file for divorce (it's not finalized). To cut to the chase in May I actually stopped hating him long enough to let myself feel other emotions and realize that I seriously missed him.... and wanted him back. So I started being nice and found out that he felt the same way.

My Present......

So here me and my hubby are it's August and it's going better than when we first were together.

My husband got orders to Elmendorf AFB, Alaska With a report no later than date of 10/31/2007. So we're moving to Alaska in October.

Tucson Is my hometown, I've lived here for about 18 years, my family is here, my best friend is here. But I promised my husband when we got married that I would follow him anywhere and if it is at all possible I keep my promises.

Which is the main source of my stress right now..... so much stuff to do, paperwork to get signed off on , on top of working 40 hours a week, raising my boys, trying to spend as much time as possible with my best friend and my husband being in Ohio visiting his family for two more weeks. Ahhhhhh

My Future.........

Full of unknowns , stress, and excitement